After my daughter was born, we were toying with the idea of keeping a childcare help during the daytime. I was not very convinced. I wanted to do all the chores alone, – washing her clothes, swaddlers, prepare the feeds, feeding her and bathing her. But by the time she completed 2 months, I became pretty exhausted and started hating the chores which I lovingly did before. Not only exhaustion, my health conditions started deteriorating thanks to the long nights spent awake feeding her. Still, I said a ‘No’ till the time Avik started insisting about keeping a help as I needed to join my office too after a few months.

After a few phone calls, I was told by an agency that they are going to send a person for the designated work. Next day, a lady came. I explained her the chores needed to be done. She took charge. Now, I started to supervise her, closely, very very closely. Whenever, she failed in my judgemental eyes, I rebuked her. Over the time, I transformed into a rude dictator. I did not like her ways, specially, when she carried my baby on her lap to soothe her. I made up my mind to sack her. As I went to talk about this to my family members, they stopped me from taking such a drastic decision. They explained me how the nanny was sincerely doing her work which I failed to notice with my judgemental eyes. I realized that I was becoming too critical of her and condescended her for no reasons at all. Then, I sat to contemplate my behaviour and the reason which triggered such a condescending nature in me. I understood that since she was doing the job which I was supposed to do, pretty efficiently, I had started to become jealous of her. Somewhere, in my mind, insecurity crept in which made me to believe that I was losing my baby to her. I appeared like a lost case whenever I looked myself in the mirror.

A few pep talks from my good friends, my family members and above all Avik’s counselling helped me to find my way to sanity. I always bonded with my daughter after the nanny left for the day, before, but now, I started to bring in much more quality in that bonding. I started to play her the same nursery songs which I grew up with. I started to sing a few songs to her and also made an official lullaby to make her sleep when every other effort failed. I, even, changed my sleep time so that I could sleep with her.

Now, when we sleep together under the same blanket, bear hugging each other, it feels like we are bonding in the same way we bonded with each other during my pregnant months. When her hands feel my cheeks in reassurance that she is sleeping with her mother and no one else, I feel complete. When she stops crying after coming to my lap, I realize my power. And, when she observes me while I am working on my laptop, I feel more responsible towards being a perfect role model, much more than before.